The Manners Manifesto 2: Eclectic Boogaloo

So, a few weeks ago I restated my blog.

I wanted to focus on the things I love, booze, NYC and everything nerdy. With that, I started writing. I found myself in familiar waters. – This spirit is good and here’s why. Blather, blather and blah. This bar rocks and here’s why. Yammer, yammer, yamma.

I was writing for an editor I didn’t have, in a voice that wasn’t mine. I deleted it all and started over again. Leading me to publish – Where have All The Manners Gone. People liked it. So I’m publishing the second (and last) part of below.

I’ll say this much about the entire piece:

  • I’ve read it for a writing group and they loved it.
  • Submitted the original idea to a few editors and they hated it.
  • Started writing this years ago at the launch party for American Harvest Vodka.

Without further delay. The Manners Manifesto 2: Eclectic Boogaloo

09_Manners

 

Taipei IS a city in China. Tipping is NOT just a city in China.
Whatever you paid for your last latte or triple steamed venti half calf is equal to a decent tip. No one is asking you drop Benjis like you’re Jay Z. If at the end of the event your wallet/money clip/purse is 5- 10 dollars lighter – you are on the right course. No matter what Mr. Pink says -Tipping is not a scam. It sends a clear message –  You’re acknowledging the person serving you  and their level of skill and commitment. The darker side of this coin is this. If you can’t afford to tip then maybe you should not be out drinking. Simple as a sunrise and just as enlightening.

YTWZDMF.
If you have no desire to learn about a spirit or meet new people and you’re there with the sole purpose of getting your ‘drunk on’ for free. I suggest you turn it around and go home. If whisky makes you so frisky that you forget you’re wearing a wedding ring then maybe don’t go to a whisky event. Free booze is no excuse for you to drink outside your comfort zone and embarrass yourself. We’ve seen it all – grown men and women drunk from two drinks making fools of themselves. If a half bottle of Yellow Tail White Zinfandel makes you go Sleepy Time Nap Nap or brings out your inner prick. Do us all a favor and take it elsewhere. And by elsewhere we mean your house.
RSVP or Vous devez attendre en ligne comme tout le monde

RSVP stands for Répondez, s’il vous plaît which translates to – Respond Please/Please reply. It does not mean you automatically get to skip the line and go directly to the bar. You have merely replied to reserved a spot at the event. That’s all. You clicked a RSVP link or wrote an email. It means you get in line with everyone. A pair of winged cherubs will not drop rose petals as burly Men in Black with CIA earpieces carve a path for you to the bar.

The harsh lesson is this….Unless you invented it, discovered it or are Neil Armstrong (or Scott Kelly). YOU have to WAIT in line with the general public.

Press and corporate executives usually get in first, accept it. If life was fair bras would come in one size and salaries wouldn’t matter. If not getting in first or waiting in line is the sort of thing that will upset your entire night then I strongly rethink your reasoning for going out for the evening.

Expectations. Great and otherwise.
Expect nothing and say ‘Thank You’ to everything you receive. A metric ton of planning, five pints of blood and the sweat of eight fired interns went into making this event possible. So please, be gracious. Best way to describe it. You are a guest, not only at said venue but in someone else’s headspace. You are in the organizer’s imagination. You are a witness to the sexy, boozy reality of their innermost vision.

Attire: 
Take off that stupid ass hat.
Unless you played on a team that won a Cup, Series or Tourney, remove the cap. In fact, last time I checked, neither Derek Jeter, Kobe Bryant, Michael Jordan nor Tiger Woods wear baseball caps while having drinks/dinner with friends or a spouse. So, my question to you is – What gives you the notion that you can pull it off?

The Wool Hat.
Fuck you and your scratchy Crayola colored wool throwback hat. There’s a reason why they discontinued making that lice condo. It’s as ugly as 3 day road kill. Also, you’re not outside. This isn’t Lambeau stadium. Do us all a favor and run a comb, brush or pick through your hair. And this goes double for young hipster girls. Last woman to pull off the wool cap look was MTM and even she knew when to take it off.

Shirts vs. Skins. 

A tee shirt over a sleeveless ribbed tank top as dinner attire?
NO! NO! NO!
I can’t ask you to buy Brooks Brothers, PINK or even that shitty Adam Levine line from K-Mart. I will ask you to put on a collared shirt, a polo, something that says you have some class and you didn’t grow up in a prison yard.

Your date (M or F) spent a good deal of time getting dress to look good for you. Do the same. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not the fashion po po. I just want you to look good for yourself and the world at large.

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